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Monday, February 5th, 2007
11:34 pm - COLLEGE
myspace has eaten my soul for breakfast and facebook had my brain for lunch, so i'm stuck perusing the various lj groups that amuse me...it's not too bad.

in a nutshell, things have gone from fucking fantastic (no sarcasm), to fucking awful in less than 60 seconds.
I had an amazing boyfriend who left for college, then once he got there...*poof* the relationship disappeared and now he treats me like absolute shite. dont worry, i dont take any of his shit.

so now im having a fucking BALL in uvie!!! i fucking love this place. i'm living in what they call the "shoebox" which is basically a bunch of dorms stacked up into a rectangle = looking like a shoebox.

the freedom here is amazing...i dont have to tell anyone where i'm going, or what i'm planning on doing, it just happens! that's the way i love to live my life -- spontaneously!

i've been kinda experimenting with some substances, it's been fun, but i think i need to quit smoking and i reeeeally need to be done with my drug experiments...it's getting dangerously close to me having an issue. i guess it's good that i notice that tho...

i've also been hooking up with this guy, who will remain nameless. he's a complete downgrade for me, not very attractive, he still has some acne and hes not very mature. we have a lot to talk about, but i just find myself disgusted with him most of the time. i suppose that means that it's not really working out. I can't really bring myself to tell him that i can't keep doing this, but i'll find a way. i mean, he reaaaally makes me feel disgusting. yeah i'll stop it.

if anyone is out there and wants to holla atcha girl -- feel free.

muchly lovely,

current mood: sick

(break my heart)

Monday, March 6th, 2006
11:45 pm - quick update for all who are interested
i kinda left for a while

but now i'm back

i'm in college =D i'll be going to UVM in the fall and I'm super stoked.

fuck guys. thats all i have to say. my time here is much much too short to be worried about who's gonna make me feel good.

for a fucked up girl, i sure have turned my life around....

thanks for caring

current mood: full of shit

(break my heart)

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
10:14 pm
okay -- last 3 months wrapped up:

christmas : shitty. i hate christmas. got a new bed and some new clothes.
new years eve : too drunk to remember.
school : not failing. but that doesnt take away from the suckie-ness.

yeah not too exciting. the boy situation isnt getting any better. still confused and frustrated.

my nails are getting really long. im off to cut them. :)


current mood: chipper

(1 broken heart | break my heart)

Sunday, September 25th, 2005
4:58 pm - long post -- suck it up.
i think i met someone.

i went to a party three nights ago...maybe it was two nights ago...whatever. it was friday night. and i went to this weird house party kind of thing. you know, very cliché, keg, red plastic cups, blasting bad music...strange girls i dont know giggling and dancing with each other to attract the scummiest of scumy guys. it was like a scene out of animal house or something. i was there because, lets face it, there really is nothing else to do in new jersey on a friday night. so i got all pretty, put on some nice make-up and a nice outfit and drove over. it was loud as hell when i walked in and i immediately almost had a panic attack.

somewhere in the mix, i had forgotten that i HATE large crowds of people. they make me nervous, really really nervous.

in the midst of this panic attack, i was flung into the arms of a tall boy with curly blonde hair and small blue eyes. His name was shane. he's very muscular for his age (or at least i think so) and he asked me if i was alright. i said yes, and he let go of me. i looked at him for a moment, thinking about the last guy i was with, and how it almost started out like this, and how it ended in betrayal and sadness. so i turned aay and walked away in the other direction.

a few hours later, at around midnight, shane and i had had about 4 or 5 short encounters and short conversations. it was mostly him wanting to know about me, and me turning, again and again, in the other direction. i realized something. if i ever wanted to get over zeus, i'd have to move on to someone new.

so i started to talk to shane.

i got his number.

this is the first time i've ever not hooked up with someone to get their number.

so maybe i met someone.


current mood: pensive

(5 broken hearts | break my heart)

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
1:10 am - *drumroll*
dispite my new appearance, im still very emo and depressing. do not dispair.

more later.
comment please. i'm feeling un-loved.

current mood: cheerful

(1 broken heart | break my heart)

Sunday, June 26th, 2005
2:33 pm - *dances about*
so after all el scary stuff *points to the last few entries* i'm pretty much back to my old spunky self again. my therapist is actually stunned that i recovered so rapidly. woot! the only thing i really want is sexxxx....i guess thats not *too* healthy to be thinking about...lol i feel like writing...im just so inspired all of a sudden :) i guess thats a good thing..*ramble ramble ramble*

i'm in the mood for a big rant. but i cant think of anything to rant about.


more later.

current mood: bleh

(break my heart)

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
10:18 am - the great escape
so i'm getting my life back on track (or as much on track as it can be) since the last time i wrote. I have a job at a horse barn near my house, it's not much, but it makes money and they need me to help out. i like being needed...also, i've had to catch up with my school work, it isnt too hard, but it's just a pain in the ass.

and i've been sober for 16 weeks now.

it feels good.

i'll write more when i get the chance.


current mood: calm

(break my heart)

Monday, May 2nd, 2005
7:04 pm - yay for surveys
Birthday:halloween, 1987
Birthplace:st. luke's hospital, nyc
Current Location:new friggin' jersey. (yeah, it sucks)
Eye Color:ice blue
Hair Color:dirty blonde
Right Handed or Left Handed:Righty
Your Heritage:Russian, Polish, French, and oddly enough, Egyptian
The Shoes You Wore Today:green converse
Your Weakness:boys with strong personalities and strong arms, puppies
Your Fears:disease, the apocolypse, rape, and being robbed.
Your Perfect Pizza:mmm...sausage, mushrooms and olives
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:regaining some feeling of normalcy and comfort with my family
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:fuckin' hell, 5 more minutes...
Your Best Physical Feature:erm...my eyes?
Your Bedtime:ha, before dawn.
Your Most Missed Memory:when i was innocent.
Pepsi or Coke:coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:In and Out burger!
Single or Group Dates:single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:ew i dont drink tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:chocolate all the way
Cappuccino or Coffee:cappuccino...mmmm....
Do you Smoke:used to
Do you Swear:....
Do you Sing:no
Do you Shower Daily:yea
Have you Been in Love:=( unfortunately
Do you want to go to College:ha, like thats gonna happen
Do you want to get Married:...im not the marrying kind.
Do you belive in yourself:about 10% of the time, yea
Do you get Motion Sickness:no
Do you think you are Attractive:sure. *pfft*
Are you a Health Freak:no
Do you get along with your Parents:no
Do you like Thunderstorms:absofuckin'lutely
Do you play an Instrument:no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:no
In the past month have you Smoked:yea
In the past month have you been on Drugs:only the ones they give me...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:are you kidding?
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:pseudo-dumped...so yes
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:yes
Ever been Drunk:yea
Ever been called a Tease:no
Ever been Beaten up:yes
Ever Shoplifted:yes
How do you want to Die:well i'll probably end up killing myself like Hunter S. Thomson....that would be cool
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:not a failure
What country would you most like to Visit:everywhere!
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:green/blue/brown
Favourite Hair Color:dark
Short or Long Hair:short, just not bald or crew-cut...im not into that whole military thing...
Height:i dont like bigger guys. preferablly athletic
Weight:not fat, not amazingly skinny either
Best Clothing Style:dunno...lots of black, matrix style!
Number of Drugs I have taken:oh lordy you want me to count???
Number of CDs I own:a ton
Number of Piercings:tongue, belly button, ears
Number of Tattoos:none...yet
Number of things in my Past I Regret:*sigh*


current mood: cold

(5 broken hearts | break my heart)

Saturday, April 30th, 2005
12:48 pm - wow this is hard....
so not long after my last entry, my parents approched me and told me that i was "going away". "Going away", to my parents means one of those natural retreat kind of things...for people who "endanger society" etc etc..

so i've been away. at this...camp type thing. only it's not camp. i dont even remember why they sent me there. but i remember the intervention. it fucking sucked. they came to me about how i steal shit, and how i cut and how they're all SOOOO worried about me.

-_- i need some sleep. That place was too intense for me to express here.

oh god i've missed so much school...i haven't been able to see Zeus, and i've heard he has another girlfriend....you have no idea how much that hurts me....i love him.

i loved him.

i'm so exausted from everything. I can't think of anything to do execpt for cry.


let's hope things get better from here.

current mood: drained

(1 broken heart | break my heart)

Monday, February 28th, 2005
9:40 am - wow
i totally forgot i had a livejournal hahahaha

hmm maybe thats cause i've developed a life?

whaaaaaatever..im super bored at home cause im suuper sick...i haven't seen zeus in like 2 weeks, and i think i'm sick because i haven't seen him...


i would write some poetry...but i'm too sleepy.
I think i'm going to take a nap...


current mood: sleepy

(break my heart)

Monday, February 7th, 2005
1:08 pm - woot woot *insert team name here*!!!
mmm bored.

comment bitches...


current mood: a little pissed.

(5 broken hearts | break my heart)

Saturday, January 29th, 2005
9:46 am - i don't believe in best friends because they don't believe in me
so as you can judge from the title of this entry, shits been happening with my two best friends and me. one of my best friends is named Sam (shes a girl) and the other friend's name is Emily (just telling you all so when im explaining what happened, it doesnt get too confusing)

so heres what happened.

emily and sam went to a concert or something and emily got really pissed off at sam cause she off by herself and almost got arrested. so the next day at school, i didnt know what had happened, so i asked emily to write me an email and tell me. so the next day, im checking my email during a study hall and reading the email emily had sent me, but sam was behind me (i didnt know until later) reading the email too. she (sam) thought that emily and i were talking about her behind her back, which we wheren't, and now she isn't talking to either of us.

and emily's a little pissed too cause she thinks that i let sam read the email.


anyone have any suggestions?? i dont know what to do, sam won't even acknowlege my presence anymore. =/

current mood: confused

(break my heart)

Sunday, January 16th, 2005
8:40 am - my slow descent into alcoholism it went something like this...

*sigh* it's been an interesting couple of weeks here.


well first and formost, my grandmother died about 10 days ago...


she was my grandmother on my dad's side and her death just opened up a whole can of worms. Which, to say the least, was stressful. My parents had a huge fight.  My dad kept calling my mom a bitch, and i swear he was about to get up and beat her up. the best thing my mom could come up with as a come-back was calling my dad a child....yeah, that doesn't stand well next to a husband who hates his wife and wants to beat the fuck out of her....


but arguments aside, they read my grandmother's will and everything except her clothes and her furniture was left to me.


yeah that's right bitches. i'm a fucking heiress.


apparently my grandmother was sitting on a few hundred thousand dollars that no one knew about. Plus, because im 17, i can:


a) drop out of school

b) live by myself


so i have a place to go if i want to get out. that is the most amazing feeling ever. that i have someplace to go....a secret hide-out.....just mine....maybe i can bring Zeus there....OoOoOoOoOo


oh i forgot, she has a car too. it's shitty, but hey, it still drives.


now that i see that my grandmother was thinking about me the whole time, i miss her and i definitely wish i could have spent more time getting to know her and hearing all her stories...


wow regrets suck.


will write more later, comment if you love me...


ps: zeus pulled me aside one day and said "as long as we're together, which i hope will be a long time, will you promise me that you won't cut?"  i told him yes. when i really dont know. i can't promise anything, but i'll try to control myself for him because i love him so much and he makes me happy, and to tell you the truth, i hadn't thought about cutting since christmas because i was with zeus and i was happy.


i was happy.

current mood: restless

(3 broken hearts | break my heart)

Saturday, January 1st, 2005
4:53 pm - happy fucking new year
happy new year you guys....

my computer sucks anus.

i want an ipod

and i apologize for that extremely emo entry i left before christmas...i left you guys with a really violent image of me killing myself, which, as you can see, i haven't.

i saw zeus over my school's winter break, it was really amazing to spend almost every hour of every day with him.....and it made me not want to die as much.....

will write later with more stuff/rants/emo-ness/me-ness


current mood: i feel like dancing...why?

(break my heart)

Saturday, December 25th, 2004
10:36 pm - what a beautiful way to die.

oh my god. i hate christmas.

hate hate hate it soooooo much.  it makes me want to cry.


i hate the cheerfulness, i hate the gift giving, i hate the songs, i hate the trees, i hate the lights, i hate the spirit, i hate the fucking baby jesus, i hate my family and i hate christmas specials.


this holiday, just thinking about this holiday makes me want to cry.


hey guess what, i am crying.


i gave my mother a gift certificate for christmas and the only two things she says to me are "you spent too much" and "you dont really care, you just gave me a gift because you had to not because you wanted to."  I wanted to run into my room, lock the door, take out my razor blade, slit my wrists and die on christmas.


id bleed out into the snow. just think about how beautiful that would be. 


what a beautiful way to die.

current mood: suicidal on the inside

(4 broken hearts | break my heart)

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